Monday, March 8, 2010

A Tough Time

Did you know that 15-20% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage and 80% of those occur within the first trimester. Three and a half years ago I didn’t know that.

My husband and I had been married for about 8 months or so and had just found out we were expecting. Our plan was actually to wait a about a year after marriage before trying to start a family, but for many of you that live in a university town where everyone seems to be pregnant…that’s a little hard. It seemed like half the population of that town was pregnant. Then, there’s always people asking “when are you gonna have a baby?” Anyway, I guess we kinda got baby hungry and we decided that we would stop birth control, we really weren’t trying to get pregnant, we figured whenever it would happen, it would be fine with us. About three months after we stop birth control, we found out I was pregnant. I seriously couldn’t believe it, I thought it would take longer. I bought a pregnancy test, but I was so sure that the test was going to be negative. When I took the test, there was no mistake, the pregnancy test flashed a quick “PREGNANT.” After the shock and nervousness went away, we both got really excited and started to call our parents to tell them the good news.

About two weeks later (six weeks pregnant), while at church, I began spotting, we left church early and I was lightly bleeding. I had zero pain so I wasn’t really sure if it was really a miscarriage or not. I asked my husband for a blessing and he did. In the blessing, he blessed me to accept what was happening and blessed me with comfort. I couldn’t believe it! I was a somewhat upset with him, because I wanted a blessing that would say that everything would be fine and the baby as well. Instead, I knew right at that moment that the pregnancy wasn’t going to continue. We continued with our day normally, had friends over for dinner, but couldn’t help to feel sad once our friends left and we were both back to facing what was going on. The next day, I had a doctors appointment, but they still couldn’t tell if I had miscarried or not. They confirmed it by the end of the week.

I felt so alone, like this was only happening to me. The Dr. told me how common miscarriages were, specially early on in pregnancy, but it was hard to believe him, when I hadn’t heard of anyone in my family or friends/acquaintances who had suffered a miscarriage. I felt abnormal. We called our families to tell them the news, a couple of friends found out as well. At home I would sometimes just start crying, and my sweet husband was always there to comfort me whenever I needed. I wasn’t really planning for this baby, but at the moment I found out I was pregnant, I wanted him/her so bad! I remember a comment someone said two days after the miscarriage, “well, I think the best thing for you to do is wait at least seven months before you start thinking about getting pregnant again.” I didn’t like the comment, I didn’t tell her that…I just sorta ignored it. I figured it was easy for her to say because she had a ton of kids already. In my head, I was going to try and get pregnant as soon as I could.

Early January I found out I was pregnant again. It was a very exciting time, but a time full of worries again. I think miscarriages are traumatizing, it was a constant worry in my head. Every time I went to the bathroom, I would check to see if I was bleeding. As much as I tried not to think about it, I couldn’t, I really couldn’t get away from the thought/fear. I passed the six week mark…felt a little better, but not enough for the fear of miscarriage to disappear. It just felt like I had passed my first check point. I couldn’t wait for my first Dr.’s appointment (scheduled at 8 weeks), it seemed like an eternity.

The time finally came for our appointment…I think I was a nerve wreck (I didn’t show it too much, but inside I was). The Dr. did an ultrasound and quickly said that it wasn’t a good pregnancy. He didn’t see a heartbeat and the sac was not nicely round I guess. He quickly suggested a D & C or to take some pills to end the pregnancy. My husband and I on the other hand felt the need to wait. I continued going every two days to get my blood levels drawn, and they were doubling like a normal pregnancy. We decided to wait a couple more weeks before a decision was made. We didn’t want to terminate the pregnancy unless we were 100% sure that it wasn’t a viable pregnancy. After two weeks we went for a scheduled ultrasound and it was confirmed that the pregnancy wasn’t viable. I was given a prescription to terminate the pregnancy, because I was already around 11 weeks pregnant and hadn’t miscarried on my own, they feared that I would get an infection. I picked up the pills and on our way home, I read all the possible side effects, it was quite a scary list. If I remember correctly one of them was the possibility of not getting pregnant again. I chicken-out and decided not to use the pills. I told my husband, that I would give it another week before I took the pills, and hopefully I would miscarry on my own.

As we drove into our apartment complex, a friend met us there, we had found out the same week we were both pregnant, her due date was a week after mine. She had picked up a bouquet of flowers for me and brought it over cause she knew of my appointment. I told her of my plans of waiting on the pills and she invited me to a church activity so that it would help distract me. I thought it would be a good idea so I went…I was sorry I did. The majority of the time I like church activities, but this one happened to be focused on motherhood. The speakers were talking about how we shouldn’t be selfish and postpone motherhood in order to pursue other interest, to be good mothers, anyway, just a whole array of topics that I thought were great, but not something I wanted to hear at the moment. I felt really sad/angry, here I was, with a full desire of being a mother, but yet for the second time, the opportunity was taken away from me. I was fighting the tears throughout the meeting.

I think Heavenly Father gave me the strength and comfort I needed, now instead of being super sad about the miscarriage, my focus and hope was that I would miscarry naturally so I wouldn’t have to use the darn pills I had. The following Friday, at around 10 pm, I began to feel light cramps, I figured it was time, and I was glad I wasn’t going to have the pills after all. The cramps got worse as the minutes passed, I had contractions. The pain kept getting more and more unbearable and I kept going from my bedroom to the bathroom. The pain was so bad, I felt I was going to pass out. I felt nauseous and had the chills. My husband was scared, he didn’t know what to do, he was helping me as much possible trying to comfort me, but I was in so much pain, I was making him nervous. A little over two hours later, he was determined to take me to the emergency room. I told him to give me a blessing instead and then we would go from there. He remembered the pain pills that they had prescribed for when I would take the pills to end the pregnancy. I told him to give me half of one pill (I hate pills, specially if they are big ones). He brought me half a pill, some water, and then immediately gave me a blessing. It was a very quick blessing, only a minute or two long, but by the time he said Amen, the pain was completely gone. I felt perfectly fine, not even light cramps, nothing.

After the second miscarriage I was really worried about the possibility of being a mom. Would it ever happen for me? I really understood what the Dr. was telling me, that our bodies are smart, and if something is wrong with a pregnancy, our own body takes care of it. I finally decided that Heavenly Father did want me to become a mom, be it by having a biological child or through adoption, but I WAS going to be a mom. About three months after our second miscarriage, I was pregnant again (definitely getting pregnant wasn‘t an issue). Once again, the worries started, luckily I was able to get an early appointment because I couldn't stand not knowing. We went to our appointment and immediately we saw a little heart beating! It was the most amazing feeling in the world. There was life!!! Yay!! I seriously thought nothing could top the happiness I felt at the moment except, for the second little heart we saw beating. Amazingly enough, we were pregnant with twins!!!! Nine months later, we welcomed our beautiful daughters to our family. Motherhood is amazing and I feel blessed and privileged to be a mother.

Although these two experiences in my life brought me so much pain, I came to the understanding that those first pregnancies weren't meant to be. Luckily I received a lot of support from my husband, family and friends as I overcame that tough time in my life. I think my experience also brought hope to people I knew that miscarried. Here was someone they knew that had gone through something they were going through and now she had healthy daughters.

6 comments:

Beatrice said...

My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage when I was about 6 weeks along...I was so devastated and sad. I really wanted to be pregnant. I remember how much it hurt and how my husband was so sad but tried to hide it to make me feel better. People told us to wait to try to get pregnant but we felt like we should try right away. I got pregnant again the following month and Nicolina was born in August of 07. When I had my miscarriage I felt so lonely. I was living in Rexburg where like half the town were pregnant or had babies. I was lucky i got pregnant so fast again,and that things worked out. I hope I never have to experience a miscarriage again, but if I do, I know now that its very common and that Im not alone.

Aline Carson said...

Man, I remember when you told me your story Paty and with the whole pill thing. Man, I can't even imagine the pain you went through. I still remember the day Glen went with Chris to our house after a mutual and told us you were expecting twins. He was so happy and excited.

I also remember when Beatrice told me about hers, and at the time I didn't really know what to say, but I was amazed at how she just missed like one day of class and then was back doing preschool, which isn't an easy thing to do.

Well, here's a question for you two:
What would you guys like people around you to say/do when they find out?

RBR Price said...

Wow, I am in tears here. Gosh girl, you went through a lot and I cant imagine how hurtful it was. I am so glad you have the twins now. What a great blessing! Heavenly Father sure know what's best for us.
I am planning on my second, and even though the first pregnancy was great and all well, you never know right?
Thanks for sharing your experience. It sure will help a lot of mom out there and me, definately.

Paty said...

Aline,

I think the best thing to say when you find out about someone going througha miscarriage is "sorry, and let me know if you need anything." Definetely don't say anything like the comment I was told...to wait a heck of a long time! Cause the last thing you usually want to do is wait to get preggo again.

Also, I think the phrase "I know how it feels/know what you are going through" should not be said unless the person saying it has had a miscarriage.

Mara said...

Há um mês eu também passei por um aborto espontâneo. Eu estava grávida de 10 semanas e o aborto aconteceu de uma vez... Comecei a sentir muitas contrações (como as do parto mesmo) e de repente, o "bebezinho" saiu e começou uma hemorragia muito grande! Foi assustador!
Quando eu cheguei ao hospital, já sabia que não havia nada mais que pudesse ser feito... entretanto, havia um sentimento de paz e calma em meu coração... Eu não consigo entender como , mas o Senhor me confortou de tal forma, que eu sabia que Ele estava no comando... Eu só me lembrava da escritura em Jó 1:21 - "O Senhor o deu, o Senhor o tomou. Bendito seja o nome do Senhor."
De fato, abortos espontâneos são mais comuns do que se imagina, mas muitas mulheres preferem não falar sobre isso... Pra se ter uma idéia, eu e mais duas amigas sofremos abortos nesse último mês... e estávamos todas grávidas de cerca de 10 semanas!

E como a maioria disse, eu também não quero esperar para ficar grávida novamente!...

Trevor, Kika, Olivia said...

We go through things that we don't understand, but the Lord knows everything! Now you have your beautiful daighters, what a blessing! :)