New Years Resolution

There are few things that I love more than a brand new year. It's the perfect opportunity to start over, to start a new and to be better.

For years I use to make huge long lists of goals for the new year... only to not even accomplish 1/3 of them all. Then I realized that it was no use making so many goals...

So a few years ago, tired of ending the year feeling really lame for only crossing off one or another of the my goals, I decided to only make 2 maybe 3 goals for the next year - and really focus on those.

Now I only make 2-3 goals, it varies every year, but I always put a lot of thought into it. And there is aats a constant - learn a new skill (not part of the 2-3). It's been fun to find something different and really work towards perfecting the art of whatever it is. A few years ago it was scrapbooking, last year it was sewing and this year is couponing. My other goals are to do something good for someone every month, to have more patience, and to lead a healthier life.

So whatever it is that you do in terms of goals for a new year I encourage you to do it. And whether your goal is to pay off debt or be more friendly or to lose weight or to learn how to whistle - here is my advice to you.

Write it down. 

Because as my grandfather would tell us every year - an unwritten goal is no more than a wish.


Happy New Year!

click on the image above to download then print this to jot down your goals for the year (8.5x11 inches)!

This week...

This week I will...

- clean my house.
- make dinner every night.
- not complaint about the yucky rainy-snowy weather.
- take some time for myself and my projects.
- organize my desk.
- make banana bread .
- get out all winter apparel.
- get out all the Christmas decorations.
- actually finish something.

What is your list for this week?

Lest We Forget

This is such a cute poem my sister-in-law shared in her blog. It brought tears to my eyes (I've been having a pretty emotional day already).

LEST WE FORGET

She came tonight as I sat alone
The girl that I use to be...
And she gazed at me with her earnest eye
And questioned reproachfully:

Have you forgotten the many plans
And hopes that I had for you?
The great career, the splendid fame
All wonderful things to do?

Where is the mansion of stately height
With all of it's gardens rare?
The silken robes that I dreamed for you
And the jewels for your hair?

And as she spoke I was very sad,
For I wanted her pleased with me...
This slender girl from the shadowy past
The girl that I use to be.

So, gently arising, I took her hand,
And guided her up the stair
Where peacefully sleeping, my babies lay
Innocent, sweet and fair.

And I told her that these are my only gems,
And precious they are to me;
That silken robe is my motherhood
Of costly simplicity.

And my mansion of stately height is love,
And the only career I know;
Is serving each day in these sheltered walls
For the dear ones who come and go.

And as I spoke to my shadowy guest,
She smiled through her tears at me,
And I saw that the woman that I am now
Pleased the girl that I use to be.

And here's a picture of my youngest who is turning two in 8 days. *Sigh*

Adjusting

Whether your family is increasing by one, two or three babies, there will be some sort of adjustment phase to go through. It's never easy, no matter how many kids you have or have had, it's always something new and it never will be like when you had your first.

Sleep when she sleeps. I wish!
Ever since my twins were born I'm lucky if I can get a few minutes of sleep in the afternoon while my oldest is napping. Lucky for me, they don't always sleep at the same time. So my advice to moms of two or more is - go to sleep as soon as they fall asleep at night! Never mind doing the dishes, cleaning up, folding laundry or whatever it is that you like to do after they've gone to bed. Do it, in the morning, during the day, while some of them are napping. At night - sleep!

Make meal times quick and easy. I've started preparing a few meal starters every week, that way, when dinner time comes, I have at least one part of it semi-ready.I like to clean and cut some veggies like green/red peppers, onions, parsley, chives and other herbs and have them ready for use when I need it. I make a big pot of beans (a staple in our home) and then freeze it in portions, same with cooking ground beef and shredded chicken. Another great thing to do is make up our favorite chicken marinade, mix it in with some chicken breasts/tenders and then freeze it! It's totally safe and beyond helpful. Think about it, freeze some cut up chicken breast in a soy sauce, when the time comes, defrost the chicken, grab some of those peppers and onions, cook them, make some fresh rice and BAM! - a nice simple stri-fry!

click on the image to learn more about 1 hr-16 meal starters tip

Don't rush the adjustment process. It'll come to you. Maybe it will take 3 months, or more -ahem! - but it will happen! Eventually you'll get the hang of it, you'll learn what's the best bath giving approach. Maybe you'll bathe your oldest at night, and the youngest in the morning. Maybe you bathe them all at the same time, or maybe you won't bath them at all - just kidding. :oP Try different things, different approaches, talk to other moms, find out what works for them, and don't stress out if one night you really don't manage to bathe them. Just do it in the morning, and make it a swimming party of sorts. They'll love it!

Enjoy each kid individually. Set some time in your day to sit and enjoy each one of your kids. Give them some one on one time, play whatever they like to play, let them set the rules, read, play with play dough, cook something with their help, let them "fold" laundry with you. Enjoy them. Don't go through the day worrying only about a clean house, loads of laundry and etc. Have fun and enjoy your time with your babies... they grow up so fast. And before you know it, they'll be opening the fridge to get their own food.

These are some of the things I have learned so far. But I confess I am far from being fully adjusted. But then again, do we ever fully adjust? Either way, have two or more if definitely an adventure.

One thing I have not learned how to deal with yet, is the ridiculous amount of laundry... I feel like I'm always doing laundry...
But what are your tips to a new mom of two or more?! What have you learned, or not learned yet? Share away! Enlighten us... don't keep your secrets to yourself!

Kids shouldn't get sick

I know that now I'm asking too much, but don't you just wish your children wouldn't get sick? They just get so miserable and your heart hurts just to see them like that. If you could switch places with your child, would you? I bet most of you would. But unfortunately (or fortunately for some people) we can't. So what is the best way to care for them when they're sick? What if you have more than one child and they get sick at the same time? What are some techniques you have used that have worked for you?
I've been having a big problem lately. My oldest is going to preschool and she's been constantly sick. We live in a very polluted city, so coughs and allergies are most often. She brings in the virus and her little brother always ends up getting sick as well. When one gets better, the other one gets sick and then both get sick and so on. It's a cycle!! How can I prevent all of this from happening? It is very hard work to have sick children, let me tell you! We've been doing inhalations 4 times a day, and they hate doing that! It's bad enough that I have to force them to do it the whole time, but try doing it for half an hour each time. That's how much the doctor has told me to do. Otherwise if they don't get completely better and keep having bronchiolitis they'll end up developing asthma (for life). Oh, great!
I've been doing my best followig doctor's orders with my youngest, but since my oldest didn't have it nearly as bad as he did, I didn't take her in (I took him to the E.R). But now it seems like she's getting worse and while I'm doing everything I can to get my youngest to feel better, I'm not doing much for her. She won't let the inhaling mask get near her so she's just getting worse. I took her to the doctor a little over a month ago because of a never-ending cough (that had been going for a month already) and the doctor said that she was getting over it so she wouldn't prescribe anything. Well...I know I should probably take her to the doctor again but you know when you just know what they're going to say and you're going to get out of there thinking you have just wasted your time and that you probably know better because you are the one who spends 24 hours a day with them? Well, I'm still taking them in. Even if I have to get out of there frustrated. Because today is the 5th day of medicine and inhalation for my youngest and he's still not 100%. But that's what us moms do. We don't want to risk it, right? We'll go to any length to protect our children and their well-being. I'm just glad my children don't have and haven't gone through any serious illnesses or injuries.

Taking care of sick children sure is a LOT of work, though. I admire moms that have 4, 5, 6 (or more) children because sometimes it seems like I can barely make it with two. My patience level gets at its highest sometimes and I get completely exhausted. Before I had kids I wanted to have about 6 children. Now my number has gone down. Way down. Before we have kids we're so totally oblivious to what having children is like, even if we think we know, we know nothing.

A few days ago my aunt and I were talking about the fact that our children seem to always be getting sick and one topic led to another and we ended up talking about all the things that happen before we get to church in the morning and how people that have no children (or even couples that only have one child) have no idea all the things that may happen before we get there. And that sometimes we're even judged by the fact that we're late!
Anyway, I went a little off the subject here, but I've been a little too exhausted lately and just needed to get it all out. I know that this is all part of motherhood and we all go through the same things, even though sometimes it seems like we're totally alone. I love being a mother and wouldn't have it any other way. ;)

Mommies shouldn't get sick

Do you all agree with me when I say that moms shouldn't get sick??? How are we supposed to care for sick children when we're also sick? Well, I'm lucky enough to have a husband that helps a lot, but...What if he also gets sick?

Well, that's pretty much what happened this weekend. Actually it all started last Wednesday, the 21st. It was a holiday here in Brazil and we went to a hotel. As soon as we got back at 1 a.m, my daughter started throwing up. She has been coughing a lot lately, and sometimes she would throw up in the middle of the night from coughing so much, but this time it was different. I knew it wasn't just from the cough.

After cleaning up her crib, switching her to my bed, taking off the sheets from my bed, sleeping on towels and getting new towls until we ran out, we decided to take her to the emergency room. I think I must have slept about two hours, max. It is quite funny too, because that night when we got home from our trip I was so exhausted and so happy to just lay down on my bed and sleep.

The doctor told us it was a viral infection which means the whole family would probably get it as well. On Friday (two days later) when I wrote about this on my blog and posted some pictures of Jasmine's barf (I know, gross), I started feeling a little weird. I thought it was because of that whole experience of taking pictures of throw up and looking at it on the blog. That whole day I had been feeling as if my head was floating, like everything around me was in slow motion. Now it all makes sense. That night I finally went and threw up after I couldn't possibly hold it in any longer.

(One thing is for sure: I cannot have morning sickness! I HATE throwing up! So, I don't know how some of you do it. Seriously. You're awesome)! Anyway... ;)

Then, right after me, it was my son's turn. We got sick at the same time. I only had my husband to save me and he wasn't feeling good either. It is so sad to see such a small child throwing up like an adult! It is just not fair! Poor thing, I felt so bad. And I didn't have the strength to get up and get him when I saw that he was starting to feel sick. Luckily, my husband was still sort of good.

(Okay, now single moms - I also don't know how you do it. You're amazing).

You probably already know what happened next, and I don't want to gross you out any longer.

So here's a picture of me and my son right after it happened to him. Misery!

We're doing a lot better now, although my kids are still going #3 (that's dia...you know what I mean). A lot. I hope they get better soon but right now I'm just so thankful that I'm able to take care of them. It was only a two-day ordeal for me and I know that many of you have it a lot worse.

So now I would like to hear some of your stories. Have you ever been incapable of caring for your children for one reason or another? How did you deal with it?

Mess Stress

I've been wanting to write about this topic before I even created this blog. I think I just wanted to get it out of my system. ;)

The truth is (and I just figured this out), the way my house looks is the main trigger for my mood swings. Whenever my house is messy and/or dirty I seriously go crazy. You're probably thinking, "Well, why don't you just clean it then?" - But as a matter of fact, I have just finished cleaning. And it is getting messy fast. So fast I can't catch up. Whenever I am cleaning one part of the house (like the kitchen for example) another part is getting messy.

Gone are the days where I used to clean the whole house. Nowadays I always have to choose a day to clean one thing (like wash the balcony for example) and then just pick up the messes around the house. How am I supposed to vacuum, dust, sweep, mop, iron, and everything else while I have so many other things I should do when the kids are napping?

There is also the pollution issue here which makes everything worse. The house gets dirty so fast and it is so much harder to clean than the houses in the United States (or at least where I used to live in the U.S). Clothes here don't come out of the dryer all neat and straight, most of the time you have to iron them. And I am blessed enough to have a dryer because most people here don't have one. Most people here don't even have a dishwasher and a garbage disposal. I'm also fortunate to have both (although the garbage disposal has never worked so it doesn't count).

I just wish I would clean and the house would stay clean at least for a couple hours. Is that too much to ask? Probably. When you have kids it is. I guess the solution to this problem is just to take a chill pill and accept the fact that I will never live in a 100% - spotless clean house, ever! Lately I've been trying not to stress so much about it. Just laugh it out. But sometimes it gets a little bit tricky.
I have a gazillion tupperware containers. Maybe I should just get rid of them!

I also don't have any more high enough spaces to hide things. Why didn't home builders ever think of this and put cabinets close to the ceilings all over the house? We have high enough shelves but they're meant to display decorations and picture frames and not remote controls, crayons and computer cords. For those of you that are wondering, we do have childproof locks on a few things but some don't work with our cabinets and drawers.

Anyway, I would just like to know if I'm the only one that gets a little bit stressed with a messy house. How do all of you deal with this? I would love to hear what you have to say!

ps: Don't say the solution is not to have kids because that isn't the point. I love my chipmunks ;)

You are Pregnant!!

Ok ladies, this post has absolutely nothing to do with child development, but I just couldn't resist.

A little bit ago I wrote a post on my blog about when I found out I was pregnant. I think it's such an exciting time in our lives. Anyway, do you guys wanna share some stories about how you found out about your pregnancy/pregnancies? I just love those stories!!!

"A Positive Way to Discipline"

There's this website I absolutely love and I always go there when I have a question, anything- They have all kinds of helpful articles. Many of you probably already know the "What to Expect" website.
I keep getting newsletters on my email and I love receiving the ones from this website and also from Baby Center (which is my very favorite). Today I got one that is called "A Positive Way to Discipline". The article is great, it's exactly what I believe in and try to do with my toddlers at home.

Here is a little bit from the article...

Turn negatives into positives. Your little darling has emptied the contents of your drawers onto the floor. Now what? Rather than scold, enlist her help in figuring out a way to remedy the situation ("How can we fix this? How about you help me put this stuff back?"). Praise her when she complies and don't forget to give her a firm, anger-free reminder that "Mommy's things need to stay in Mommy's desk.

Check in. Even if you're busy (especially when you're busy) take time to reach over for a hug, a tickle, or to comment on the progress of her block tower. That way, you'll head off her impulse to get your attention by doing something devilish.

Diffuse the situation. If your toddler is showing signs of defiance ("No! I won't take a bath!"), turn the situation around by using distraction ("Let's go find some fun bath toys!"), humor ("What if we put Mr. Teddy in the bath?"), or reverse psychology ("Don't you dare get into that tub!"). It doesn't take much to amuse a toddler. And diffusing a situation with creative approaches like these allows your child to give in without feeling like she lost a battle. Then you can thank her for her cooperation ("I love how you play in the water!").

If you would like to read the entire thing, click here.

Why Breastfeed?

As a breastfeeding advocate and currently working part-time as a lactation consultant, I may be able to answer this question.

My name is Barbara, I am 24 years old and I am a Health Science graduate from Brigham Young University-Idaho. My emphasis is Public Health and I had the opportunity to do my internship and then keep working for the WIC (women, infant and children) Program at The Eastern Idaho Public Health office. I’ve worked with a variety of clients and many different problems related to breastfeeding. It really is one of my passions. I feel like I was able to help first time mothers, who just like myself, had no idea what was going on when the nurse put that little bundle of joy in my arms. You are expected to feed, love and take care of it to the best of your ability.

I have to add that my biggest accomplishment and joy in this life is my family. I am absolutely crazy for them and I would not change anything. I am a proud stay-at-home mom and I want to be one. :)

I'm going to summarize one of the classes I teach weekly at the WIC office. I feel like this will be a good introduction to the topic of breastfeeding. As we keep the topic going I would appreciate any questions that you might have and if I’m not sure about something, I’ll make sure I’ll ask my experienced co-workers that have worked in this area for way longer than I have. If there’s any way I can help anyone on this issue, I would be more than glad to do so.

So, first of all, a little bit of a background from my experience with breastfeeding. I breastfed my oldest daughter until she was 15 months, until basically I was sick of it and when I found out I was pregnant again. I now have a 5 month old who is as much of a joy as her sister and she is also being nursed full-time. I loved and still love nursing my kids because it provides such a bond with them. I was going to school full-time when I had my first child and I was away from her for quite a while during the day. Being able to nurse when I got home gave me the feeling I was able to bond with her somehow.

So let’s start the question of why to do it first. When you compare formula to breasmilk they both have some commonalities: fat, protein, carbohydrates, DHA, ARA (fatty acids helpful for your baby’s brain development), vitamins, minerals and water.

Breastmilk has a few extras:

1- More than 15 antibacterial factors: This is pretty amazing because it is a protection from all the bacteria your body is exposed to. So your body will build the immunity and it will be transferred to your baby through your milk. This also happens the other way around: your baby will be exposed to harmful bacteria or viruses and will pass them to you by close contact, your body in return will produce antibodies and pass them back to your baby through breastmilk. Pretty cool huh????

2- Hormones: these will help your baby relax and better respond to stress (as will you). It will make him sleep better and also aid in the development of your baby’s immune system.

3- Enzymes: these will compensate for the immaturity of pancreas of your newborn and aid in digestion

4- Growth factors: helps your baby’s organs to mature, brain development and protects their gastrointestinal tract (gut)

5- Anti parasitic, anti viral and anti allergenic factors: breastfed babies have fewer allergies, asthma, ear infections, stomach aches and are less likely to be obese. Pretty much they are healthier and get sick less often.

If all of that wasn't enough, there are also some other benefits that are helpful to moms all around the world:

6- Mom jumps back to pre-pregnancy weight faster

7- Uterus goes back to normal size also a lot faster because as you breastfeed a hormone is released and your uterus contracts. (this can hurt in some people as it did with me, but after child birth, Ibuprofen will do wonders for this kind of pain)

8- Moms recover faster from child birth

9- If the child is jaundice, the colostrum- an antibody-rich, yellow-ish liquid produced as soon as your baby is born- has a laxative property, which will help your baby “poop” more thus getting rid of the jaundice faster (when the newborn defecates they get rid of the excess bilirubin which is accumulated in their body from their immature pancreas)

10- Your breasts do not become saggy from breastfeeding, and if they do, it is because of hormones produced during pregnancy and not because of breastfeeding (I bet a lot of you didn’t know that but have heard stories about breastfeeding makes your breasts sag!!!!! Another plus for breastfeeding: YAY!!!!!)

11- The price of formula is outrageous. They can go from simple formulas to sensitive ones depending on how your baby responds to them. It can range from $25-45 dollars a can. Where on average a baby goes through a can a week. If you do the math that’s about $1700 dollars a year.

The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends that women breastfeed their babies exclusively until they are 6 months old, with an addition of solids from that point on. Breastfeeding is still encouraged until they are one. (After that it’s up to you whether of not you like breastfeeding enough to keep it going, but the absolute health benefits they NEED go until they are one.

Also, I want to add that your child will still benefit from the immunity provided through breastfeeding even after they are 1 too, so if you choose to keep going, NEVER feel bad and know that they are extra protected.

Now I do have a DISCLAIMER. This post is not intended to offend or to make anyone who was not able to breastfeed feel bad. If there’s one thing that I learned from working with women at WIC is that we are all different and our bodies respond to situations in life different ways. I have seen people that try their absolute hardest to breastfeed their baby, do everything we tell them and more and do not succeed. Did they fail?? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! I have also seen people that after feeding their baby still pump 6 ounces of milk from each breast (did I mention after the feeding??? Yeap!! it’s a ridiculous amount of milk, it’s what we call an oversupply) and stop breastfeeding because it’s just too much for them. Did they fail? Well….NO!! One day of breastfeeding is better than none right??

Formula is still the next best option if breastfeeding does now work for you. Do not feed your baby cow’s milk, goat’s milk, soy milk or any of that when they are newborns up until they are one. Also don’t dilute formula if you are running out of it, it can cause serious problems to your baby by giving them a mineral imbalance. ALWAYS follow the instructions of the formula manufacturer. ALWAYS!

Also don’t feel bad if for some reason you have had to supplement your baby with formula because you didn’t have enough milk. If you are following your lactation consultant’s advices and it’s still not working, the most important thing is that your baby grows and develops how he/she is supposed to. First and foremost they need nourishment, after that we can work on whatever else you are facing. The general rule is the more you empty your breast the more milk you will produce. Again: the general rule. In rare cases it does not go that way (REPEAT: rare cases).

I have a lot of stories I would love to share, but first I want to hear your questions or anything in specific that came to your mind during this post. Please keep them coming. I will base my next post on your questions.

Cheers to all the mommies out there that try so hard and give their very best to their little ones. The world needs more people like YOU!

:)

A Hard Lesson Learned

All of you know how easy it is to be too tired to think clearly, remember things, or take care of yourself. For me that was a big problem when my second baby was about 4 months old. He was born just 16 months after my first baby and needed a lot of my attention. I was constantly holding him and trying to keep my oldest out of trouble. I hardly slept, neither kids slept through the night, and I hardly ate. who has time to eat with a newborn, right? I hardly did anything but care for the two babies, and of coarse a husband as well who didn't get home until 10 or 11pm.

Well in the midst of all this chaos I started having my periods again. These weren't your normal run of the mill periods either. These were extremely heavy periods that usually required the use of a tampon and pad together (hope this doesn't get too graphic). One day after another sleepless night I went to put in a tampon like any other day. Later that day I forgot about the previous one and put another one in. After a few days I started thinking I had the flu. I felt dizzy, body aches, nauseous, headaches, chills, and couldn't think straight. Apart from feeling so miserable, I did my best to be a good mommy to my two babies until finally I physically could do no more. I laid on the sofa helpless and confused waiting for my husband to get home. At this point I honestly felt like I was dying. The whole time I thought to myself, "if I die, what will happen to my kids". Finally, my husband came home and forced me to schedule an appointment with the doctor.

The next day I saw the doctor. It wasn't long before the doctor found the extra tampon I had forgotten about days earlier. He told me I had Toxic Shock! My organs were literally shutting down. I really WAS dying! He put me on very strong antibiotics and sent me home hesitantly but did anyways because my husband was graduating that week and we were moving to another state right after. Just when I thought everything was going back to normal something else happened to me. While holding my son I experienced a minor seizure. A seizure is not a very fun thing to experience especially when you're holding a baby. The whole time I was conscious, but could not control the shaking! I was so scared of dropping my child. Fortunately I didn't drop my baby. After the antibiotics and a blessing my condition quickly improved.

After that experience I have had a new outlook on life. I don't know how to put it into words, but perhaps it was the reality of loosing my life that showed how much it meant to me. Being a mother is so much more important than it was before. I can't help but think to myself everyday what my kid's life would be like without me and how grateful I am that I survived. There is one lesson that I personally needed to learn from this experience, and that was the importance of taking better care of myself. If I don't take good care of myself, then I can't take care of others. Eating healthier along with sufficient rest is essential to motherhood. Before, I wanted to do everything myself. I wanted to be the one cleaning the house, doing the laundry, and changing the diapers. Even though I needed it badly, I was unwilling to accept or, heaven forbid, ask for help. I wanted to be a super mom! I have come to realize that I can't do that anymore.



Lets face it, we all want to be super moms because we love our kids so much! Being a mom should be an Olympic sport because it takes strength, endurance, and more endurance! Those Olympic athletes MUST be healthy to perform their best; MOMS MUST BE AS WELL!!! I know it's harder than it sounds when you have little ones, but we must find the time to take care of ourselves. Even in the Bible we find examples of the Savior taking time out for himsel. About a week ago I read an article on postpartum depression (from the Liahona-an LDS magazine) it said the following:

"It is vital that new mothers care for themselves by resting as much as possible, eating a nutritious diet, and taking “time out” with mothers’ groups or children’s play groups. In addition, because motherhood is physically and emotionally demanding, mothers should set realistic goals that allow for flexibility, remembering that “to every thing there is a season” (Ecclesiastes 3:1)."

I strongly agree with this statement! What I'd like all of you to do is to make a simple/realistic goal to improve your health in a specific way. This goal could be anything from going to playgroups, social workshops, or even a nice walk through the neighborhood. Feel free to share your ideas and experiences. I will start - I am making a goal to eat less sugar and drink more water.

It gets better

When Trevor and I got married we agreed to try to have a baby around our one year anniversary, but that first year went by super fast and we didn't feel "ready." Around our second year anniversary, Trevor wakes up one morning and says "ok, lets have a baby!" and I was overjoyed. But there was a problem... I had been told by a few different doctors that I was infertile because of endometriosis. We went to our doctor who had instructed us to stop birth control for a few months now to see how my fertility would go, suggested ovulation kits and etc, but still told me to come back in six months to try some feritlity treatments - which made me feel ZERO confidence that I would get pregnant. I guess I was meant to prove science wrong, though, because on our first month trying, we got pregnant! And I was freaking out! I wasn't feeling "ready" yet because in my head this wasn't supposed to happen, especially this fast. I mean, I had come to terms with adopting and everything! But there I was, with little seed in my belly.

My pregnancy was great. I worked full-time till a week before I was due. No sickness, no crazy cravins, no fatigue, gym and zumba, just a little heartburn close to the end, and a sprained ankle! Sometimes I felt this was a dream and I would wake up and not be pregnant because of how good I felt. Olivia's due date came and went and one week later I was induced, pushed for almost 6 hours, little stinker went UP and I underwent a c-section to get her out safely. She was born on March 21st at 7:47pm, 6lbs10oz and 20in. But it was when she first came into my post-delivery room that I noticed something was off.


I didn't want to hold Olivia. I looked at her in that little plastic box, so pretty, so peaceful, but I didn't want her close to me. My mom and the nurses would bring her close to me on the bed and tried to cuddle but it felt weird. In my head I was thinking, "if I don't touch her, I don't get attached, and if I don't get attached, she's not really mine." I think I was fearing all the responsability that comes with motherhood. Everytime I looked at Olivia I asked myself "What in the world was I thinking? I can't do this! I can't raise a daughter of God! There is no way! What the heck did I get myself into?" We went home and I seriously cried almost the entire day for about 3 weeks. I cried while I took a shower, I cried while I tried to eat, I ran to my room crying when people came visit, I cried when I looked at her, I cried when I watched tv, I cried... all...the... time! My poor mom was so worried, and thank heavens she was here cuz I was in no shape to cook or clean or take care of a baby. Trevor would call our dr desperately asking for a solution to my crying, to which he was told "it's hormones, it's normal, it'll go away in a couple of weeks." But it didn't go away. I think the fact that I couldn't breastfeed made it even worse.

My milk barely came. I mean, I had drops at a time. At the hospital poor Olivia was hungry for two days because the nurses wouldn't give me formula and I didn't have much to feed her myself. They brought a hospital pump and after pumping for 10 minutes still nothing came out. Nada! On our last night the nurses finally gave me some formula and told me to feed her 10ml at a time. TEN MILLILITERS! That's not enough, but I didn't know it then. My poor baby was still hungry, and I felt guilty.

My doctor told me it could be because of all the stress my body went through with the c-section and all the meds. He said while most moms get their milk by the third day, I might get mine by the fifth day. So when the fifth day came and went and still no milk, I started to freak out. I REALLY wanted to breastfeed! That was the plan!! I started taking brewer's yeast, mother's milk plus, my mother was making sure I ate 6 healthy meals a day, lots of fluids, I was stimulating, pumping to try to stimulate even more, I was putting Olivia on the breast at every feeding, I saw three lactation specialists and did everything they told me to... but what am I gonna do when my child starts crying because there is nothing there? Am I going to let her starve? I chose not to. Finally that week, her fourth week in this world, I started to accept that breastfeeding was not going to happen. My doctor asked me to relax and enjoy Olivia, he said breastfeeding is not supposed to be stressful or depressing for me or the baby and if it doesn't happen... move on. I cried almost every time I had to feed her a bottle and not my milk. I think this was my first experience as a mom that showed me that things don't always go as we planned, as we wanted, as we thought would be best. For some reason it wasn't meant to be that I breastfed my baby, my first baby, and maybe my only baby. It makes me sad, it makes me feel like a bad mother, it makes me wonder what else in the future I won't be able to do for my daughter...

Olivia turns one in a week. Things have been getting better but it's still a struggle for me to just feel happy, to have joy for life, to want to go out and DO things. I love her to death, I absolutely LOVE her and I tell her everyday that she saves my life. To someone who hasn't suffered depression, it is very hard to understand it. It's a fight, a daily counscious effort to want to live. It's counting your blessings and wanting really bad for them to make the black cloud over your head disappear. Over this past year I have tried four antidepressants, welbutrin, prozac, zyprexa and prestiq. if you don't know about antidepressants, they usually take four to six weeks to "start working." I haven't felt that one of these have "started working" for me, so right now I am not on any of them, but thinking about trying them again. I am thinking on trying another antidepressant again because once you find the right one, it WILL help. It will help you sleep better, it will help you not feel so anxious, it will help you not have crying spells on your way to work, it will help you have energy to get out of the couch, it will help your stomach and bowels work better, it will help you FUNCTION. Depression is not new to me, I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was in my late teens and since then have tried different types of treatment, so over the years I have learned some things about this illness. I know that counseling is key and I see a therapist a few times a month, which helps. Post Partum Depression, though, has been way stronger than any other phase I have EVER experienced. My depression worsens when I am under stressfull situations and I think we all agree that having a baby does add some stress to our lives.

Some days are harder than others. There are still days that I get home from work and lay on the couch and pray that Olivia won't get hurt playing by herself on the floor. Sometimes I fall asleep and wake up to her playing with my face, kissing my cheeks or laying her head on my stomach. There are days and days that go by without me showering, or brushing my teeth, or eating anything healthy or wanting to go out. I go to work and come back home and that's about 90% of my energy for that day. Sometimes I don't even talk to Olivia much... I don't know what to say, I have exhausted the word sorry and I just really think she would be better off with another mommy. There are days that I just cry all day, wanting desperatly for this "thing" to leave my mind, my body and my soul. Why me? Why ME? It will get better, right?

So this is my experience. The only thing that I really want to stress is that depression is a clinical illness that needs to be treated. Our society overall is so uneducated in regards to "mental illnesses". You have no idea how many times I was told things like "if you say your prayers you'll feel better" or "your problem is the lack of the Spirit in your life" and etc. Those comments are hurtfull but above all, they are ignorant. Actually Sundays are some of my worst days because when I do go to Church I feel even worse about myself, about not being able right now to feel the joy that I know I should be feeling in life. Being active in the Gospel and doing what we know is right does not keep us from being ill, unfortunately, and just like a diabetic needs insullin, someone who suffers from depression might need some medication too. So if you feel less happy than what you used to feel, if you sometimes see no joy in life, if you feel overwhelmed and desperate or if you just want to go back to being your "old self", talk to your doctor, be honest to yourself and to him/her. They are there to help us and we need to feel better, we DESERVE to be HAPPY! I can sincerely say I do not feel 100% happy all the time, but I am trying, a day at a time, faith and hope till the end. Good luck to us all :)



With love, Kika*

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What are some of the things us moms can do to feel better at times of sadness, fatigue and distress? Please share your ideas! - Aline

A Tough Time

Did you know that 15-20% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage and 80% of those occur within the first trimester. Three and a half years ago I didn’t know that.

My husband and I had been married for about 8 months or so and had just found out we were expecting. Our plan was actually to wait a about a year after marriage before trying to start a family, but for many of you that live in a university town where everyone seems to be pregnant…that’s a little hard. It seemed like half the population of that town was pregnant. Then, there’s always people asking “when are you gonna have a baby?” Anyway, I guess we kinda got baby hungry and we decided that we would stop birth control, we really weren’t trying to get pregnant, we figured whenever it would happen, it would be fine with us. About three months after we stop birth control, we found out I was pregnant. I seriously couldn’t believe it, I thought it would take longer. I bought a pregnancy test, but I was so sure that the test was going to be negative. When I took the test, there was no mistake, the pregnancy test flashed a quick “PREGNANT.” After the shock and nervousness went away, we both got really excited and started to call our parents to tell them the good news.

About two weeks later (six weeks pregnant), while at church, I began spotting, we left church early and I was lightly bleeding. I had zero pain so I wasn’t really sure if it was really a miscarriage or not. I asked my husband for a blessing and he did. In the blessing, he blessed me to accept what was happening and blessed me with comfort. I couldn’t believe it! I was a somewhat upset with him, because I wanted a blessing that would say that everything would be fine and the baby as well. Instead, I knew right at that moment that the pregnancy wasn’t going to continue. We continued with our day normally, had friends over for dinner, but couldn’t help to feel sad once our friends left and we were both back to facing what was going on. The next day, I had a doctors appointment, but they still couldn’t tell if I had miscarried or not. They confirmed it by the end of the week.

I felt so alone, like this was only happening to me. The Dr. told me how common miscarriages were, specially early on in pregnancy, but it was hard to believe him, when I hadn’t heard of anyone in my family or friends/acquaintances who had suffered a miscarriage. I felt abnormal. We called our families to tell them the news, a couple of friends found out as well. At home I would sometimes just start crying, and my sweet husband was always there to comfort me whenever I needed. I wasn’t really planning for this baby, but at the moment I found out I was pregnant, I wanted him/her so bad! I remember a comment someone said two days after the miscarriage, “well, I think the best thing for you to do is wait at least seven months before you start thinking about getting pregnant again.” I didn’t like the comment, I didn’t tell her that…I just sorta ignored it. I figured it was easy for her to say because she had a ton of kids already. In my head, I was going to try and get pregnant as soon as I could.

Early January I found out I was pregnant again. It was a very exciting time, but a time full of worries again. I think miscarriages are traumatizing, it was a constant worry in my head. Every time I went to the bathroom, I would check to see if I was bleeding. As much as I tried not to think about it, I couldn’t, I really couldn’t get away from the thought/fear. I passed the six week mark…felt a little better, but not enough for the fear of miscarriage to disappear. It just felt like I had passed my first check point. I couldn’t wait for my first Dr.’s appointment (scheduled at 8 weeks), it seemed like an eternity.

The time finally came for our appointment…I think I was a nerve wreck (I didn’t show it too much, but inside I was). The Dr. did an ultrasound and quickly said that it wasn’t a good pregnancy. He didn’t see a heartbeat and the sac was not nicely round I guess. He quickly suggested a D & C or to take some pills to end the pregnancy. My husband and I on the other hand felt the need to wait. I continued going every two days to get my blood levels drawn, and they were doubling like a normal pregnancy. We decided to wait a couple more weeks before a decision was made. We didn’t want to terminate the pregnancy unless we were 100% sure that it wasn’t a viable pregnancy. After two weeks we went for a scheduled ultrasound and it was confirmed that the pregnancy wasn’t viable. I was given a prescription to terminate the pregnancy, because I was already around 11 weeks pregnant and hadn’t miscarried on my own, they feared that I would get an infection. I picked up the pills and on our way home, I read all the possible side effects, it was quite a scary list. If I remember correctly one of them was the possibility of not getting pregnant again. I chicken-out and decided not to use the pills. I told my husband, that I would give it another week before I took the pills, and hopefully I would miscarry on my own.

As we drove into our apartment complex, a friend met us there, we had found out the same week we were both pregnant, her due date was a week after mine. She had picked up a bouquet of flowers for me and brought it over cause she knew of my appointment. I told her of my plans of waiting on the pills and she invited me to a church activity so that it would help distract me. I thought it would be a good idea so I went…I was sorry I did. The majority of the time I like church activities, but this one happened to be focused on motherhood. The speakers were talking about how we shouldn’t be selfish and postpone motherhood in order to pursue other interest, to be good mothers, anyway, just a whole array of topics that I thought were great, but not something I wanted to hear at the moment. I felt really sad/angry, here I was, with a full desire of being a mother, but yet for the second time, the opportunity was taken away from me. I was fighting the tears throughout the meeting.

I think Heavenly Father gave me the strength and comfort I needed, now instead of being super sad about the miscarriage, my focus and hope was that I would miscarry naturally so I wouldn’t have to use the darn pills I had. The following Friday, at around 10 pm, I began to feel light cramps, I figured it was time, and I was glad I wasn’t going to have the pills after all. The cramps got worse as the minutes passed, I had contractions. The pain kept getting more and more unbearable and I kept going from my bedroom to the bathroom. The pain was so bad, I felt I was going to pass out. I felt nauseous and had the chills. My husband was scared, he didn’t know what to do, he was helping me as much possible trying to comfort me, but I was in so much pain, I was making him nervous. A little over two hours later, he was determined to take me to the emergency room. I told him to give me a blessing instead and then we would go from there. He remembered the pain pills that they had prescribed for when I would take the pills to end the pregnancy. I told him to give me half of one pill (I hate pills, specially if they are big ones). He brought me half a pill, some water, and then immediately gave me a blessing. It was a very quick blessing, only a minute or two long, but by the time he said Amen, the pain was completely gone. I felt perfectly fine, not even light cramps, nothing.

After the second miscarriage I was really worried about the possibility of being a mom. Would it ever happen for me? I really understood what the Dr. was telling me, that our bodies are smart, and if something is wrong with a pregnancy, our own body takes care of it. I finally decided that Heavenly Father did want me to become a mom, be it by having a biological child or through adoption, but I WAS going to be a mom. About three months after our second miscarriage, I was pregnant again (definitely getting pregnant wasn‘t an issue). Once again, the worries started, luckily I was able to get an early appointment because I couldn't stand not knowing. We went to our appointment and immediately we saw a little heart beating! It was the most amazing feeling in the world. There was life!!! Yay!! I seriously thought nothing could top the happiness I felt at the moment except, for the second little heart we saw beating. Amazingly enough, we were pregnant with twins!!!! Nine months later, we welcomed our beautiful daughters to our family. Motherhood is amazing and I feel blessed and privileged to be a mother.

Although these two experiences in my life brought me so much pain, I came to the understanding that those first pregnancies weren't meant to be. Luckily I received a lot of support from my husband, family and friends as I overcame that tough time in my life. I think my experience also brought hope to people I knew that miscarried. Here was someone they knew that had gone through something they were going through and now she had healthy daughters.